This Lion's Had It!
by Stormtracer
Summary: Sick of the ‘girl meets Peter, Edmund, etc. and then they fall in luuurv’ storyline? Feel like giving her a good kick? Well, you aren’t alone...so does Aslan.
1. Thou Shalt not Mess with Peter!

**Main Author's Note:** When you get a loyal Narnian fan mad, this is what happens. As far as I know, this is the first of its kind in this fandom :) Might make this a full-blown series if I get time…I've read all the books, watched the movie and seen the old TV series; so I am very well-versed in the Chronicles of Narnia (at least, I like to think so :)). I hope the definition below makes sense… EDIT: This is an implied end to all Mary-Sues, whether they go for Edmund or whoever else in the Narnia fandom. This means you Child of the Seine:)

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**Summary: **Sick of the 'girl meets Peter and then they fall in luuurv' storyline? Feel like giving her a good kick? Well, you aren't alone…so does Aslan.

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Original characters/ideas/plot/stuff (such as Dawn Ebonylocks) and all related **original** subjects © Me (Don't take them without permission!)

_Narnia _and all related **non-original** (as in, not made by myself) subjects © C.S. Lewis, Disney and whoever else owns it.

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**Author's Note: **Enjoy. If I need to change something or I messed up somewhere, let me know. The 'may he live forever, which is sort of redundant…' line is a spoof of The Horse and His Boy, which is another book in the Narnia series if you didn't know. Oh, and this is just a parody/comedy thing written for fun, so don't chew me out please :)

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: My sister. If it weren't for you, this fic would've never made it onto Lion's Had it!

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Chapter One: Thou Shall Not Mess With Peter!

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_Mary-Sue: an overly perfect, overly pretty maiden who ends up in a different world/in her favourite story, although usually is an inhabitant of said world. Mary-Sues can be human or not, with outrageous hair/eye colours. They almost always usurp love interests, fall in love with canon characters (such as Peter, Edmund and Mr. Tumnus) and knock them out of character._

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It was a beautiful day in Cair Paraval, as the dawn came forth in its 'golden pink' glory. The birds were singing, the sea was peacefully lapping at the shores and love was in the air.

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"Oooh…I love you my precious Dawn, forever and for always!"

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"Really?" Her brilliant chocolate/cocoa/velvet/rude things the author won't mention-coloured 'orbs' met his.

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"Yes, my sweet. Forever and ever and ever-"

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There was an ear-splitting roar. Dawn and Peter had to quickly clamp their hands over their ears, and winced at the sheer volume.

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"PETER PEVENSIE!"

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Said boy looked like a deer caught in the proverbial headlights. "Y-yes, Aslan?"

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"I have been gone from Narnia naught a year, only to discover the high king desperately in love with a witch!" Roared the lion, and the whole room shook with the force of it.

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"I-I can't help it sir…she's so beautiful, and-"

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SILENCE!" He bellowed. Peter shut up, sufficiently cowed.

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"I can see of only one way to dispel this problem." Aslan growled, glaring at the cowering figure of 'Dawn Ebonylocks', who promptly squeaked and dived under the bedcovers.

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"Aslan, are you…going to maul me?" Peter squeaked.

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Aslan did not look away from the shivering bundle of blankets. "No," He said quite calmly. "I am going to maul the Mary-Sue."

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The ensuring fight was too gory to fully describe and keep a K+ rating. To sum it up briefly, Aslan leaped, Dawn fell off the bed, and Aslan held her down with one paw.

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Then a strange feeling overcame Aslan, and he began to speak. "Dawn Ebonylocks, you are charged with conspiring, seduction, an extremely idiotic name, maiming the world of Narnia and destroying what C.S. Lewis (May he live forever, which is sort of redundant…) wrote with your ill use of the English language!"

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"W-who gave you the supreme authority to do so, you can't own creativity!" She cried.

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"I do not need to." And then the 'Sue knew no more.

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When Aslan had finished, glittery pink blood lay all over the lush carpet. Calmly, he wiped his paws off and headed for the door.

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"A-Aslan?" He turned to Peter. "What happened?"

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"It is over now," The lion said firmly.

**The End**

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Don't really care if I get flames/no reviews, this should've been done a looong time ago :) And yes, as you may be able to tell from the slight changes I made to this, there will be another chapter!


	2. Do NOT Sueify Edmund!

**Author's Note:** Whoa, I got thirty-seven reviews in **just** two days! It took quite a bit longer for my other parody to get that much! I think this is a hit…Well, because of the overwhelming popularity of this fanfic (very few Narnia fanfics get even ten reviews!), I have decided to continue it :) You can blame that on my oversized ego and…well…I liked writing it :)

Believe me, I'm not an extreme Narnia-purist by any stretch of the imagination; I know so much about this in the first place because I actually **like** the original concept. I used to write them! (still do, in a way :)) I do not, however, like the overly-perfect, holier-then-thou, weird eye/hair-coloured Mary-Sues. There is only one Mary-Sue (not counting parodies or OC-falls-into-insert-place/story-name-here) with cliché elements I like, and that was quite a piece of literature (won quite a few awards, actually…). My point is that Aslan and I were thoroughly sick of the puke-worthy stories, and decided to work together to parody them. And he's extremely out of character because he is outrageously, undeniably **mad** that this has been going on for so long :D

I can't reply to you all (that would take a long time, and I only have so much space to use before it becomes ridiculous :)) though I wish I could, but I can tell you this: go ahead and write a story similar to this one, just give me credit (please:)) and don't get more reviews then me lol. And all the constructive crit. has been read: I don't claim to be the best writer, but I try :) Masked Soldier, Just keep reading constructive critism, and checking out Mary-Sue litmus tests. I guarantee you'll have a better idea what to write :) Plus, I agree Aangsgal. Well-written angst stories do rock :) eartheart, It's the reviewers like you that made TLHI it into a series: fellow book-reading, old-movie-seeing, old-series series seeing, loyal Narnian fans! ;) And Catty Etiquette, Mary-Sues cannot have normal names for the same reason they cannot look normal: that would be too original! –Nods– and Nyah…I have been bouncing around the idea for a good model story for awhile, and I think I just might write it soon :) steelelf, you inspired me :D For everyone else, you keep me going. Well, here we will understand the importance of being earn- I mean, the importance of not writing Edmund Mary-Sues :)

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Enchantress ReallyPwettyHair © Me (feel free to steal her)

'Streetlight Place' © Me (MINE!)

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: steelelf, because your review rocked my sox :)

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**Chapter Two: Do NOT Mary Sue Edmund!**

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_Canon: The original works published or authorized by the authors/author. This includes all characters, places, etc. in them, and is a term that can be used to collectively describe what was originally written. 'That's not canon!' would refer to the fact that it does not apply to the 'rules' set down in the story/stories, and is therefore incorrect._

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It was a glorious night in the Lantern Waste (or 'streetlight place', in this fanfic), as the sunset faded into a 'Crimson yellow' glow. Which did not make sense, but then not much in this story makes sense anyway. The land was quiet, save for some…ahem, rustling bushes. But we don't really care about them; we care about the silent, shadowy figure who watched the bushes with intelligent brown eyes.

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"I olve u, Edmund," The Mary-Sue squeaked, sounding like she'd inhaled helium. This is why you should not use 'she waz floatyy, and exccitde, and felte lik hse, wus higher tehn eht clouds' as a description.

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She was currently sitting as close as possible to Edmund, on a bench that had spontaneously appeared only metres from the infamous lamppost. How they spontaneously transmigrated from the bushes to the bench is a question that requires 'logic', which should (in our not-so-humble opinion) be considered a swear word.

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Edmund eyes were glassy as he kissed her. 'My sewet, i shal live yo, 'till-"

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"This is painful." That one callous remark made them snap to attention. Enchantress ReallyPwettyHair and the object of her affections turned to the previously mentioned shadowy figure.

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"Hwo iz itt?" Edmund asked, cautiously. You see, the fic, had rather ruined, punctuation, and was currently, abusing, the, comma.

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The shadowy figure came forward into the light, only he was now obviously a not-so-shadowy Great Lion.

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"Edmund, what has she done to you?" Aslan said sadly.

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"How are yuo?" said a rather confused Enchantress. You see, because the writer was extremely scared of all-knowing lions, she had simply…'forgotten' the King of the Wood. She had ailurophobia, actually (that's a fear of cats).

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Aslan sighed again, and then seemed to become even more determined.

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"I say agani who rae ou strrangre are you form arond her?" And then the writer went from to much punctuation to absolutely none at all and decided to use run-on sentences and not specifying who was speaking.

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"That is enough." Aslan stated firmly. "Enchantress ReallyPwettyHair, I charge you with knocking Edmund so far out of character he could not touch canon with a twenty-foot pole, putting a bench in the Lantern Waste (no, **not** 'streetlight place!'), transmigrating, positively excruciating descriptions, an idiotic name and being a 'half-unicorn, half-human' (If you liked horses, why didn't you just become a centaur? **That** is what is known as 'original')!"

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"Eh?" The 'Sue said blankly, puzzled at his strange spelling and grammar. Aslan rolled his eyes. Which wasn't very canonical, but he's had a rough day.

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As I said before, the ensuing fight was too gory to be described play-by-play. Though it doesn't really matter because you can rest assured that the 'Sue died, painfully.

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Okay, I just couldn't resist. Aslan grabbed her, and (since the canon was screwed up enough) manage to deposit her into the nearby Calormen, where the Tarkans- well, I'll leave that to your imagination. Of course, he roughed her up a bit before that.

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Aslan lip curled up in disgust, and he wiped the blood (I'm sure you all know what colour it is) off his paws.

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"It is done," He said solemnly, then lead a bewildered Edmund back to Cair Paravel.

**The End**

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I know it may seem like it's starting to repeat itself (I bet I won't get that many reviews for this chapter…), but I can promise next chapter will most definitely be interesting- Aslan deals with a Mary-Sue _authoress_:) Happy New Years, everyone! And I never claimed to be perfect Astral :)


	3. INTERLUDE: PART 1

**Author's Note:** O.O Wow. Sixty-eight reviews…that's…that's a LOT. Thank you to all who put me in their favourites and reviewed…I don't deserve it, but it sure does brighten up my day:) Oh, and yes, I'm from Canada and I'm parodying myself a bit. Almost nothing's sacred in a parody. –grins toothily–

Argentus, you are absolutely right. jasonc65, I did read part of your fic (will read more when I get time), and it's probably going on my favourites :) Straitjackit, you can rest assured that the half unicorn idea isn't native to Narnia (though I've seen similar ideas…-shudders-), but I've seen it done in other fandoms. Astral, you have been heeded lol. Jillie, I know how you feel- the few good Mary-Sues/OCs out there are absolutely wonderful, but the rest…well, you can understand why I wrote this ;D Alania and steelelf, you would be surprised lol. Umm…yeah Kaori, let's go with that lol XD. Well Child of the Seine, why do you think I read it in the first place? I thought it was a pleasantly original idea :) Fuchisa, a Tumnus/OC chapter has been planned since the beginning of time- there's NO chance I'm leaving out :) Thank you, beyondthewardrobe! Jaid Ziaen, you have inspired me :). To everyone one else, Thank you and I just can't help be so talented, I was born that way (yes, I'm joking. My ego's not THAT big)! Last, but certainly not least:

eternalhope08- PM? -confuzzled- Sorry, haven't been on very long…what is 'PM'? The 'simplify your language' thing was just a suggestion (since writing an OC-falls-into-Narnia is hard enough without complicating it :)), yes I have read Tolkien and Poe, and not every writer is wordy and flowery- although I guess a lot are lol :) Tips? Read millions of Mary-Sue Litmus tests and bad Mary-Sues. When I said 'focus' I meant…well, give them something to do occasionally instead of just sprouting off funny comebacks :) Okay, I can see why you had Aslan say that. And it's good to know you're writing a story on a theme like that, I wish you luck :) You haven't written a parody? That explains it…you see, writing a good parody is actually a lot more complicated then you think. I've seen so many bad parodies; all because people think they are easy to write- they aren't :) Of course my story is outrageously stupid- it's supposed to be like that. If we didn't have outrageously stupid things to laugh at, life would be pretty dull :) Create a 'good' Mary-Sue? –thinks for a moment- Nah. Just because I have an idea of what a Mary-Sue is doesn't mean I still can't write one by accident- I'm nowhere near the level I'd need to write a proper one. But I can never resist a challenge- who knows, I may do it :) But I can promise you one thing, it won't be your typical OC story –snickers, because she just got hit with a plot bunny–

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Paige Turner/Tempestfinder/Umm… © Me (don't take her without permission- who else will make my bed and do my homework?)

Enchantress ReallyPwettyHair © Me (feel free to steal her!)

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Jillie. There's nothing wrong with liking canon/OC pairings; it's the Mary-Sues you've got to watch for. Thanks for being an awesome, faithful reviewer!

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**INTERLUDE: PART 1**

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_The Fourth Wall: The invisible barrier that separates the characters from the audience, who can see/hear what is going on. 'breaking the fourth wall' refers to the fact that the characters reveal awareness of their fictional existence._

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The thirteen-year-old girl Paige Turner (no relation to William Turner from _Pirates of the Caribbean_) was very, very happy.

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"Like, I got, ten reviews!" She exclaimed, typing furiously away at her keyboard somewhere in Canada, in the wee hours of the morning.

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Paige was very pleased because her fanfiction _Like, OMG: teh Archive's of Lsadhsufhfrgbvxmyiythyaehjsdkfhuiewfhuishdfkjshfdjksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafvgyugrtfvyrufadtyscftdyscgxhjcajscbncbniugwecgucignascimzxchmisdmcsduigfsaiuogoafgofganxwyuxgnewgzngyxngfgnfhvfbhvbfdbvggytyl_ was a success. Even better then a success, it was practically famous!

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Yes, I did have fun typing that.

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"I am SO, like, freaking out now."

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She couldn't wait to post up her next chapter. Because, like, OMFG, we are all waiting with bated breath could you write faster!1?1!one

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She squealed in an over-excited, girly, just-makes-you-want-to-kill-her way and continued to slam down on her computer. Then she suddenly felt strange…this wasn't right, she shouldn't be writing this …

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Paige shook her head. "Like, bah horseradish!" She mumbled. This wasn't junk, it was **art**!

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…Out of morbid curiousity, let's see what she's written…

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_Lik, you guyys, ear the greeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaatest! i olve u all sooooooooooooooooo muche! - Tempestfinder (or Umm…)_

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Thought so, a 'Suethor, through and through- Fortunately for us this sad story is going to end differently then it normally would; thanks to A Certain Lion Who Shall Not Be Named. Right about…now.

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_**BOOM!**_

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There was a crashing, clattering, all-around-disrupting thud; as illustrated by the liberal use of onomatopoeias, italic, bold and underlining.

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She blinked, and stopped typing. "What was, like, that?" Her parents were away at a dinner party; they wouldn't be home until eight in the morning, if past experiences were anything to go by.

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There was a horrible din, then what sounded like rattling chains being…well, rattled in her closet.

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"_Turner…"_

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Her eyes widened. "L-like, h-h-horseradish!" She cried, swiftly turning off her computer (waiting a few minutes for it to shut down, then turning of the monitor), flipping off the light and jumping into bed.

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"_Tuuuuuuuurner…"_ She barely muffled her shriek of fright, and pulled the covers over her head.

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The doors to her closet swung open with a loud bang, revealing A Certain Lion Who Shall Not Be Named with chains draped over his large golden body. She all out screamed.

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His pleading eyes seem to bore right through her. "Why, my child? Why have you done this to me?"

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She just stared. "Y-you…you can, like, t-talk? Who…like, who are you?"

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"I am Aslan, king of the woods of Narnia." He said solemnly. "Please answer me, Daughter of Eve."

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"But that's, like, impossible! Narnia doesn't exist, and why should it matter if it, like, does!" Paige snapped.

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He let out an ear-piercing roar, and the fanfiction writer had to cover her ears.

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"Why should it matter?" He snarled, very much out of character. "Why should it **matter**? You see these chains? It is fanfiction writers like you who fashioned these!"

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"W-what?"

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His tone abruptly changed from furious to sad. "…if only these chains imprisoned myself alone, then I could bear the torture …but they bind Narnia, and all that is dear to me…"

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"Forget it, Aslan." A figure emerged from the shadows. "She's too far gone."

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Paige examined the person curiously. She was a girl around her age, with dark mussed strawberry-blond hair, thin-rimed glasses and bright blue eyes. "Who are you?"

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The girl snorted. "I have many names. Stormtracer, Err…, Mirthful Tears…but you can call me 'Authoress'."

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"Like…but why…?"

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"Why is some random fifteen-year-old girl here? Good question. Unfortunately, why should it, like, matter?" She smirked. There was a pause.

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"…I thought you were thirteen…"

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"I'm short!" Authoress snapped.

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Aslan coughed politely. "Since the Fourth Wall is now non-existent, if you don't mind…"

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"But I told you **already**, Aslan!" Authoress sounded exasperated. "We can only go after the 'Sues! The people who wrote them are off limits, not like it would do much good anyway..."

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"Umm…am I, like, missing something here?" Paige asked timidly.

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Authoress didn't miss a beat. "Butt out, you! Aslan, we need to move on. There's a bad Peter 'Sue that needs attention."

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He sighed. "I suppose you are right…"

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"Of course I'm right!" Authoress replied, ezasperated.

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Aslan turned to Paige, casting one pitying look at her. "Ms. Turner, think about what Narnia truly means to you- perhaps you will be surprised."

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And then he was gone. A dazed Paige stared at the closet, or more accurately the picture entitled 'Enchantress ReallyPwettyHair' that adorned one of the doors.

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"What it means to me…"

**The End**

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Due to popular demand, the 'olve' is back! Most Narnia Mary-Sue writers are around thirteen years of age, which is why I picked it for Paige. And there will be an author interlude every three chapters from now on :) Wow, this was a long chapter- don't get used to that lol.

Yes, this chapter was a _bit_ different from the usual formula (which won't last long, I'm sure:)) - it parodied _Scrooge_ a bit and actually had a moral! And for those people out there who don't know what it was:

**Never eat socks after midnight, lest you be mauled by a rabid zebra!**

Very meaningful, says I -nods-. Next chapter will be a Tumnus 'Sue, and we see why annoying someone with a rather pointy umbrella is a baaad idea! -cackles-


	4. Tumnus Is Also Off Limits!

**Author's Note:** You will be shocked to learn this, but I actually did research for this! (-gasp-) I hunted down a Tumnus 'Sue for inspiration. I know, isn't that out of character for me? XD Not only that, but somewhere along the confusing conveyer belt of my thoughts, this story developed a **plot**. Yes, that's right, you heard me correctly :) it should start revealing itself in a few chapters…speaking of which, I'm going to redo the first three chapters of TLHI soon, to exterminate the spelling errors and such. I've also decided to permanently take off most of the disclaimers after chapter one…you probably got the point by now :) Where did Authoress go? Well, she's hiding in Random Bush #89 :) I'm afraid you'll have to get used to the fact that the interludes seem to be outside the other chapters…it's strange, but intentional. It shall be explained…soon :) I is been a good girl: read part of actual Narnia book before doing this, to get a better feel for Aslan. Decided to try a nice formatting trick, hope doesn't screw it up.

Sorry folks, but there are so many reviews I can't respond to them all! Unless, of course, you want the updates to slow down…I want to assure you I read and treasure every review I get though, and I check out every reviewer's profile. Creepy, I know, but that's life lol. You guys rock my socks!

The age was randomly picked, I assure you! I happen to remember thirteen as one of the best years of my life (that makes me sound old…) :) Yes, I was human and non-sueish wasn't I? Maugrim? That's a splendid idea! He should definitely get a chapter :) Canada is cool, but the USA is friendlier to its writers :) Yeap, Paige created Enchantress- there will be more Paige in the future, I can guarantee that. Eating socks before midnight? Not a good idea, that ticks off giraffes…try ten in the morning, you should be okay then. Yes, I was reading PotC fanfic when I wrote the previous chapter –blush–. Umm...no offense Jillie, but which story is the parody? –sweat drop at self–.

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Thorn Lavender © Me (feel free to steal her!)

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: eternalhope08, who inspired me to possibly start on another (more serious) Narnia fanfic. This is for you, EH! (And yes, I will review your story's second chapter; but I only have so much time these days…)

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**Chapter Three: Tumnus Is Also Off Limits!**

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_Lust Object (or L.O.): The character (belonging to whichever fandom(s) the person fancies) that a fan…well…lusts after._

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"You're supposed to shake it."

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Tumnus jolted. Before him stood a pretty young girl with dark 'chocolate' hair (rather appetizing, if you ask the authoress's opinion…) and sea-blue eyes. Her hand was outstretched to him.

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He couldn't help but shake the feeling that something wasn't right. The girl…something wasn't as it should be.

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"Why?" He asked curiously.

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She blinked. "I dunno. S'pose it's just something you do."

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_See! See! That isn't right! This 'girl' isn't right! Sh-_

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He ignored the small voice, giving her another curious look before shaking her hand. A few planes of reality over, an authoress cursed loudly and freely.

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"My name is Mr. Tumnus." He said. Wait…that wasn't right. His name was different...wasn't it?

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She smiled. "My name's Thorn Lavender and I'm very pleased to meet you."

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"Something is wrong…"

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Thorn blinked. "What?"

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"Something is very, very wrong…" Tumnus began to back away from her slowly.

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The tree branches rustled in the wind, and Tumnus suddenly had an uncomfortable feeling.

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Like he was being…watched.

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Then he remembered. He was Tumnus, dear friend of Lucy Pevensie, who should be in this…thing's place.

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"Oh my, are you alright?" Thorn asked timidly.

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He changed. His hair grew shorter and blacker and his legs became more slender. The face changed only slightly, and his strange ears became simply pointed almost-human-looking ones. Instead of looking like a twenty/thirty-something actor, he now looked a bit…more boyish.

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"Where have you taken Lucy?" Tumnus's voice was low but threatening.

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"You have come back."

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Both the faun and the 'Sue turned quickly, finding themselves face to face with…oh, c'mon, you know who it is!

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"Aslan." Tumnus averted his eyes, hardly daring to look at the king he had twice betrayed in the eyes.

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"Umm, like, hello! Enough with the stupid lion, we haven't even had tea yet!"

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Aslan's gaze quickly snapped to her, and Thorn felt her resolve weaken as she saw the anger, pain and disgust in his noble eyes. He moved forward, straight towards her-

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"Aslan…I…she is my responsibility."

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The great lion turned to the faun. "…Very well." He stood back, understanding how much Tumnus needed to do this.

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"But…we had a future together!" Thorn gasped, backing away slowly. The look Tumnus gave her said it all- He was not some Lust Object she could play with, he was a character who deserved to be treated with respect. This was not the fleeting look of loathing an actor used in front of a camera.

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This was hate.

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Slowly, he picked up his fallen umbrella, and leveled it above her heart…

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Her scream was heard through all of Narnia.

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**The End**

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Yes this was serious- I can't be funny all the time! Wow, the interludes are very popular :) If things start getting a bit _too_ weird (as things tend to do in my stories…), just let me know and I'll change the formula back to the good old 'Sue bashing you all know and love. 99 reviews…soon I'll hit a hundred! It's funny, I originally posted this just so people from the PPC board could read it- I never knew it would be this much of a hit!

Y'know, I'm pretty optimistic about my upcoming Narnia fic…if/when I ever get it posted up, please check it out:) Have a Pirates of the Caribbean one I might post also…there are so many fics I want to write:)


	5. Susan Is Out Of The Question!

**Author's Note:** A miracle, I know; two chapters in so little time? I promise you that the chapters will (hopefully) rarely be that dark. Oh, and that 'plot' thing I was talking about earlier held a sharp, pointy thing near my neck and hijacked the story. You should see the effects popping up next chapter, in the interlude. -Waggles eyebrows-

Okay, another thing I should mention- this has turned from a simple Mary-Sue bashing fic to an all-out Badfic bashing fic. Incest, really bad pairings, slash (not all slash fanfics out there are bad- but from the (thankfully) few I've seen in this fandom, they deserve bashing)…you name it, I'll do it. Drop me a line (or even better, review!) and suggest anything you want- it may appear in here. Yes, Tumnus changed because the 'Sue had envisioned him as the actor from the recent movie (which rocked, by the way). Madelynne Rabb that is a fabulous idea- 'Sues are pretty bad, but sibling incest is so uncanonical. Aslan would be absolutely delighted to rip one of those apart. I have NEVER seen a good incest fic/story, and even thought there are those of you out there who like it (I know you're out there); even you have to admit it is **way** out of character.

Daughter of Eve- I mentioned more then once I hate Mary-Sues, not OC romances in general.

Domlando Blomaghan- -blinks- I have to say I'm speechless. I have no clue how to react to that. Reviews like that make me sit down for a while and think whether or not I really want to be a writer. Yes, this is junk, it's not supposed to be anything more :) I hope you realize -and I am trying to phrase this politely- that I can't write serious stories all the time. I'd spork myself to death, lol :) I just hope you understand that I'm writing the way I feel is best- if you don't agree, I'm perfectly fine with that. Besides, I have another serious fic I'm starting soon- keep a lookout for that :)

Christy The Banjo Picking One Eyed Dog reviewed! -Absolutely loves her parody- MY LIFE IS COMPLETE, THOUGH I AM NOT WORTHY! -bows to the great Narnia authoress-

Yes, this chapter is based on a real Susan Marty-Stu I found- It was bad (not extremely bad, but pretty bad), and it provided good inspiration.

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Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook) © Me

Mauled _Princess Bride_ quote © whoever owns that brilliant movie

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Steel Plated Bambi. How the heck did you not only predict what I was already going to do, but what I had planned out for this chapter? O.o that's freaky. Plus, thank you for the awesome supportive review!

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**Chapter Five: Susan Is Out Of The Question!**

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_Marty-Stu (or Gary-Stu, Marty-Sam, Marty-Stan etc.): The male version of a Mary-Sue. an overly perfect, overly handsome guy who ends up in a different world/in his favourite story, although usually is an inhabitant of said world. Marty-Stues can be human or not, with outrageous hair/eye colours. They almost always usurp love interests, fall in love with canon characters (such as Susan and Lucy) and knock them out of character._

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"My sweet?"

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Susan blinked. Where was she?

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"Susie?"

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Ah, now it came back to her. She was on a Random Plain with her lover, Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook). Never mind WHY they were there, I'm the authoress and what I say goes! Thye are onn teh plains becuz I wanr temh their!one!11!1! Sso they're!1! OK! ok.

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"I am deeply sorry, My Love." Susan amended, which in this illiterate fic means 'apologized'. Dictionary? Isn't that, like, a book or something?

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He gave her a proud, haughty look. "No matter- you are my Queen, how could I not forgive you?" She giggled. It was about this time she noticed that he was wearing a blah blah blah, blahblah blue eyes. Blah blah blahblahblah blonde hair blah blah blah blah blah blahblah. Blah blah handsome.

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There was the sound of Someone Losing Their Lunch. The readers booed, shouting such abstract babble such as 'This SUCKS!' and 'Bring on Aslan!'. The authoress heeded their cries, and the Twu Wuvs became aware of the fact that something was behind them, breathing quite heavily.

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Susan had an odd look on her face. "Dearest, do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

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Both the 'Stu and the High Queen blinked and turned around slowly, and found themselves face to face with a Really Calm But Mad Lion. Oh, and A Bunch Of Readers With A Bone To Pick With Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook).

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"My name is Aslan the Great. You murdered my land. Prepare to **die**."

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Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook)'s eyes widened almost comically as Aslan leaped at him.

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When Susan came to, she found herself on a terrace overlooking the beach (Yes, in Cair Paraval).

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"My word…was that all just a dream?"

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Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook) landed rather painfully on the floor, gasping in pain as he had the wind knocked out of him.

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"Stand, Son of Lilith."

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Shakily, He obeyed, find himself face to fall with- polished wood? He blinked, and then looked up. Warning, two long paragraphs of description ahead.

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It was a huge, Tim Burton-esque courtroom. The bench, witness stand and desk (you know, where the court clerk and court reporter sit?) towered above him (the thing was _at least_ ten feet high). A teenaged girl was sitting at the desk typing away furiously, as Aslan gave the 'Stu a look that made him weak in the knees. The jury box (and the various people in it) was hidden in shadows.

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Otherwise, the room was awe-inspiringly beautiful. The walls were of oak paneling, and the trim was a polished gold. The carpet was a deep, full red with crisscrossing golden lines that formed a diamond-like pattern. Tall, gold doors stood at the very back of the enormous room, decorated with elaborate depictions of Narnian life. Towards the front and just behind the bench were huge, clear windows overlooking the beach. It was kind of obvious that this was Cair Paravel. Suddenly the girl stopped typing and rushed over to him, holding one hand up and a bible in front of her. Thank goodness, because I personally want to get back to the jokes.

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"Do you swear to tell nothing but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?...That is how it goes, right?"

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Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook) just stared at her. She was rather short and of average weight and build, with a rounded face, curly strawberry-blonde hair and blue eyes hidden behind rather smudged glasses. She was pretty, but in the average, bookwormish sort of way. In other words, he'd never seen anyone like her.

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"Well?" He jolted, and distantly noted irritated look she gave him.

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"Yes."

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"Good." She turned around, and walked back to her desk stiffly. There was the sound of a gavel, and a bewildered Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook) turned towards Aslan.

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"Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook), you are charged with seduction, an extremely idiotic name and not specifying the why or where of your stories. However, you have kept the story fairly canon and most of the character's personalities intact. Therefore-"

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"-If I may be so bold, sir, may I suggest we…let him live?...We could rename him?" The teenage girl offered.

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"Why?" Aslan raised an eyebrow at her, and the girl studied her feet as if they were fascinating. After all, he's not a _tame_ lion.

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"Well…I mean, pretty soon we'll have to deal with **It**, and having another person along to help would make it easier?" There was a pause.

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"Very well…" He glanced at the Jury box. "…But let us see what the reviewers shall say."

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**The End**

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Yeap, this one isn't that great -sigh-, even if it was long. I've had a tough week, give me a break. XD At least we got to see a glimpse of the so-called 'plot'! The next chapter should be way more interesting. By the way, I posted up a new Narnia fanfic you might like to take a look at. I'm fairly proud of it :) Next chapter: another one of those outrageously famous interludes! I have quite a few chapters mapped out…so many characters to do, so little time!

Oh, and remember that unicorn 'Sue a while back?...I found one in the Narnia section.

O.o

Guess this fandom's worse off then I'd thought lol…And yes, I want you to vote on whether or not SFNTW (AMC) should survive…what will the verdict be? What will I change his name to if he lives? How did Authoress spontaneously switch personalities? What is this **It** that Aslan and Authoress dare not speak of? All your questions shall be answered- next chapter:)

Son of Lilith- Lilith was a demoness, but more importantly the mother of the White Witch aka Jadis. I thought that since Jadis was considered to be beautiful and powerful, she fit the description of a 'Sue and…yeah :) It's a joke. Laugh.


	6. INTERLUDE: PART 2

**Author's Note:** Need sleep -yawns-. As you can guess I'm writing this story at either an ungodly hour at night or the wee hours of the morning (can't tell which, the numbers of my clock just blur before my eyes…). To sum it up: Next chapter bashes various other badficness, the definition below is a **hint** and Authoress gets her butt kicked royally and realizes she **isn't** perfect. I decided that since I couldn't make up my mind with the MS, I'd just give him more character development for the next two chapters- I'm just like that :)

Domlando Blonaghan, if it weren't for reviews like yours I would never have started writing- the whole reason I started off with parodies was an experiment, to sort of improve my writing (you should see my stuff from a year ago- it **really** sucked). As much as a comedian as I may seem (lol, yeah right), I am actually quite serious about writing and always will be. I'm just trying to get used to this…it's kind of hard to explain. I promise I'll write more serious Narnia fics- I've got some great ideas for stories, but the trick is to get used to writing in the first place :)

EDIT: Okay, I'll be honest here- I was completely ready to give this up at one point. Seriously, I have no time to write lately and I just lost the inspiration for this (not that I didn't want to write it, but when I tried it just came out wrong). It's been…what, almost two months?...Since I even looked at this. Mostly it's because I've been seeing so many good movies/TV shows/books lately (such as Howl's Moving Castle…"I don't see the point in living if I can't be beautiful!" is now my catch phrase ;D). Well, I finally found the will to write this (while I should be doing homework…), and the rest is history. At least it's long, right? ;)

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Kelsey Estel, steelelf, Francienyc and Domlando Blonaghan. Kelsey Estel, you brought up a good point, I'll remember that :). Steelelf, thanks for sticking with this fic so long- I don't think I could if I were you! Francienyc, you have no idea how much your review made my day- it's this sort of stuff that keeps me writing (I know, I'm not very subtle…never have been, actually, but I can assure you I'm working on it ;)), Domlando Blonaghan…well, look above ;D. Gillespy, I promise I'll use that quote next chapter- I have a good place for it ;)

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**INTERLUDE: PART 2 – Part One (Redundant…)**

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_Self-Insert: Usually a manifestation of the author that can range from a simple walk-on cameo to a whole new character. They are closely associated with Mary-Sues (see previous definition), although they can be anywhere from annoyingly perfect to displaying human flaw at it's finest. It takes either a very brave or foolish author to pull off one, as they are rarely successful._

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"Wakey, wakey!"

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A bucket load of water hit him square on the face, and the Marty-Stu struggled to pull himself out of the half-asleep state he had previously been in. rubbing the water from his eyes, he leveled a murderous glare at the person responsible for waking him up…until he realized who it was.

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"You?" He blinked. The strange girl with the glasses was standing only metres away from him, a dripping bucket slung over her shoulder.

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"I'm insulted- 'The strange girl with the glasses'?" She smirked, but the Marty-Stu couldn't help but notice it didn't reach her eyes.

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He blinked. "What...am I doing here?" Then it all came back to him. He had been romancing his True Love when suddenly he'd found himself on trial- by Aslan himself, no less! The one person who should've been on his side!

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But then a strange thought drifted across his mind. Was he right? Perhaps this girl had a point…over time Susan had seemed to change from the woman he deeply cared for to an over-glorified twit. Was he by any chance wrong? These thoughts confused him, and so he shoved them out of his mind with the firm reasoning that he was so obviously **right**. Because that's a sure-fire defense…

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The girl snorted, jolting him out of his overly-dramatic thoughts. "We're going after a bad Peter 'Sue in an hour, get dressed."

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The Marty-Stu scowled. He didn't like her patronizing tone. "And why should I?" He replied, extremely irritated.

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"Because I'm the Authoress," She gave him the classic 'Duh!' look.

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There was an uncomfortable silence.

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"Could you leave!" He finally snapped.

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She shrugged, and then opted to save face by strutting out the door. This didn't go very well, because she stubbed her toe…

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"Yiee!"

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…And hopped around screaming bloody murder for a few minutes. Well, that's Authoress.

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Authoress was extremely bored. It was a very beautiful hallway, filled with tapestries, armor and priceless paintings, but it was still a hallway.

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"So bored…studying for a test would be more fun…Hey you, (other) authoress, what the heck am I supposed to do now?"

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In another plain of reality, the (other) authoress blanched, apparently running into the rut that would plague the chapter for many days to come.

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"What was I going to write here?" The thought haunted her day and night, through sickness and homework and various anime episodes. Let it not be said that she didn't spend her every waking moment trying to solve the puzzle known as writer's block, in between having fun and working.

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But lo! Through the pain of never-ending work, tests and an upcoming exam, she finally found the answer.

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Amidst piles of homework, she suddenly sat up straight with an expression of surprise on her face. Paper scattered everywhere, but she did not notice in her revelation (she did, however, notice later that her cat had sat down on one paper and left claw marks and wrinkles on it. Darn cat…).

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"What would happen…if Authoress was given a taste of her own medicine?"

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Authoress was a bit wary at the moment. She hadn't heard from the other authoress for a long while, and had the nasty suspicion that something bad was going to happen. But then again, didn't it always?

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Of course, she wasn't disappointed; disappointed she was not. The disappointment she could have felt didn't matter, because she never felt it. Because that is a figure of speech- to say 'she wasn't disappointed' implies that what she had been expecting to happen happened. A figure of speech is when you use something that would normally mean something else, but doesn't in the context you used it, and the fact you used it makes you look witty and sophisticated and gorgeous and interesting and you probably get the point by now or at least I hope you do because this took a long time to type out and I really don't want people saying 'this is boring, go back to killing 'Sues!' when I am merely trying to imitate either Lemony Snicket (may he live forever) or Mojo Jojo from _Powerpuff Girls_ I'm not quite sure which because I've written so much here I've forgotten what I said and I have to reread it as I go and now I've died from lack of oxygen. Ta.

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Where was I? Oh yes. Something happened. The wall in front of her exploded in a flurry of sound, wood and cheaply-budgeted special effects. That counts as something, right?

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The sight that met her (half-)innocent eyes was to horrible, to disgusting, to censor-inducing, to tear-jerking to accurately describe without over-using the words 'spawn' and 'of' and 'a religious figure who rules over 'Teh Badd Gyes' and we cannot describe because that would be breaking the K+ rating'. Or in place of the last phrase, 'Barney' (this fanfic would like to apologize profusely to said person, that comment was rude and ill-met).

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"Whatever, dudette." Barney ambled off.

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"Is the authoress always this…random?" One of the 'Sues (presumably the leader) looked towards the ceiling with a confused look on her face. She had ridiculously over-described fiery red hair and green 'orbs' for eyes.

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Authoress nodded. "Yes, she is usu- **hey**!" Apparently, someone's a little slow today.

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"Im board Sarah. Cant wee jus leve noww?" Remarked one of her companions, a golden-white-silver-rainbow-haired blonde with sapphire eyes (and I mean REAL sapphires- I feel sorry for her optometrist).

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Sarah, whose name was randomly typed out on the keyboard, shook her head. "No, Shhjfhsdhfiel."

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"34i n07!1!" (Why not?) Asked her other follower, a raven-haired beauty with sparkling violet eyes (of course, this was a rather funny description. Instead of having locks of lovely black hair, she was bald with a raven glued to her head. The poor bird wasn't that happy about it).

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Sarah rolled her eyes. "Because Rita, we have to kill the Sue-hater, remember?" (Rita)

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"3447/" (What?)

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"Umm…excuse me, could you tell me what's going on?" Authoress asked, blinking as she tried to figure out what in Narnia was happening.

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Sarah gave Shhjfhsdhfiel a look, but the jeweled-eyed 'Sue protested. "Y me? Rita's the best spekker!"

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Sarah rolled her eyes, a gestured to Rita. The 'Sue squealed and jumped up and down, an action that nearly cost her eyes due to the rather annoyed raven stuck to her head.

"0k!1! 4i, 3i n433 i5 ry74 4n6 74353 4r3 3i 9ri3nd5 54r44 4nd 544j94549i37. 33'r3 43r3 70 di55cu5 ur 9ic '74i5 7i0n'5 44d I7!' 4nd 403 i7 un94ir7i 90r7r4i5 34ri-5u35, 359ycy477i 5ync3 u 4r3 4 5379-yn53r7 ur5y79. 04, 4nd 3i 44v3 70 ky77 u- 50rri." (Okay! Hi, my name is Rita and these are my friends Sarah and Shhjfhsdhfiel. We're here to discuss your fic 'This Lion's Had It!' and how it unfairly portrays Mary-Sues, especially since you are a self-insert yourself. Oh, and we have to kill you- sorry.) Rita said brightly. Authoress blinked, because she was no that familiar with the 'l337' sub-culture of the internet.

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"You're a natural Rita." Sarah replied amusedly. Rita positively beamed.

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Authoress frowned. "I have no clue what you're talking about, but I gather you aren't here for the free towels."

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Sarah grinned. "You have no idea."

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"**_So your name's Sir Frenche Sonding Nam The Wolfscurse (And Mean Cook)? That's a stupid name. Why don't you try something…I don't know…simpler?" _**

"What's wrong with my name? Susan didn't seem to mind it…" He mused.

**_Authoress rolled her eyes. "Of course she won't mind, you're a Marty-Stu and she's a canon character. Now, what to re-name you…" She sat down in a classic thinker pose, her left elbow propped up on her leg and supporting her chin._**

_**SFSNTW(AMC) sulked. It wasn't that he liked his name, but he still didn't want to just change it. What if he ended up with something worse?**_

"_**How about…Robin?"**_

_**He blinked. "What?"**_

"**_Well, there was a robin in the Narnia books…and you're from a Narnia fanfic…"_**

"**_I'm sixteen! Don't you think I can decide what my name should be!"_**

"_**You're only a year older then me! Besides, Robin suits you better. End of story."**_

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There was a crash, and Sir Frenche Sonding -I mean, 'Robin'- jolted out of his cheesy flashback with a start.

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"What…was that?"

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**The End**

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Sorry about the 'l337' speak, I'll explain it right here: 'l337' or 'leet' speak (short for 'elite') is a language where you shorten words and replace parts of them with numbers or occasionally change vowels ('y' to 'i' and so forth). Look it up on Google, I'll guarantee you'll find loads on it.

I know not much happened this chapter; that's mostly because I had to split it into two parts- it's all about Authoress getting her due, how some Mary-Sues aren't that bad and some other interesting stuff. To make up for it, I should have another chapter up in a few days :) By the way, if there are spelling or grammarerrors, I'm sorry- I only got to proofread once :(


	7. INTERLUDE: PART 3

**Author's Note:** So…changed formatting again- expect revising in the future. Well, at least I don't have an excuse for making extremely short chapters! ;D actually have nothing to say here, except I love Howl's Moving Castle and Detective Conan/Case Closed, am thinking of starting a few other fanfics and I really wish it was summer. Oh, and did I mention I was infected by ten viruses, attacked by a dog during my absence and absolutely swamped with homework and tests? Yeah, so I had a reason :) For those of you out there who do not want to read about the OCs, just scroll until you see this:

---o+o---

Why? I decided to make this a big chapter and add in a little mini-teaser at the end. It features Jadis ;D

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A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Everybody! 'Cause I'm feeling generous :)

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_**This Lion's Had It!**_

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**Chapter Seven: PART 2 – Part Two (-snicker-)**

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_Original Character (OC): A character that was not originally in the canon of the fandom, but was created by the author- can range from being a 'Mary-Sue', to being a well-rounded, well-developed and thought-out character._

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"Ow…" Authoress moaned, staggering to her feet with the grace of a three-legged elephant named Bob. Her glasses were broken and bent into positions that would give any middle-class parent nightmares. Her clothes were torn, her cheek and left arm had rather nasty cuts, and she was completely covered in dust.

Needless to say, she wasn't looking very good.

'P434r 4r3 l337 5hi775!11!one!" (We rock!) Rita cried triumphantly, flashing a victory sign at the teenaged writer.

"Shut up!" Authoress snapped, backing away slightly.

She didn't have many options left- that was easily apparent. Her mind was an absolute blank, and Authoress became uncomfortably aware of her obvious fear.

"Aw, li'l Authoress iss havin a bad dae, isnt she?" Shhjfhsdhfiel taunted. If looks could kill, Authoress would've committed murder twenty times over.

"What's going on out here?" Authoress looked over to see Robin.

"Never thought I'd say this, but you're a sight for sore eyes." She said, relieved.

"So you're the 'damsel in distress' type, eh? This could be fun…" Sarah gave Authoress an amused look.

Said teenager blanched. "Oh-"

"3n0ug4!" (Enough!) Rita snapped. "737'5 ju57 ki77 43r 4nd 83 d0n3 w/ i7, 50 w3 c4n g37 0nt0 t34 n3x7 c44p73r!" (Let's just kill her and be done with it, so we can get onto the next chapter!)

This seemed a reasonable reason enough to kill her, and for one moment our faithful heroine looked doomed, until-

Uh…until…

…

Darn writer's block…until…

Heck, let's just go for the half-realistic version!

Rita pulled a bow out of nowhere (hammerspace?), and notched it with previously non-existent arrows. Authoress soon found herself faced with a volley of sharp, pointy flying things.

But just as our saucy protagonist (Hehe! Big word!) was about to find herself a shish-ka-bob or some other tasty barbecued assortment of food on a stick, Robin jumped in front of her and deflected the arrows- with only a sword.

Well, he is a Marty-Stu…

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Sure, never been better." She grunted, peeling herself from the wall after he had 'accidentally' knocked her aside.

"Know, u dye!" Then Shhjfhsdhfiel came flying at them. Robin barely had time to parry her sword, loosing a few blonde hairs from his bangs in the process.

"Take this!" Sarah chanted some sort of spell, and then pulled out a wand ripped from some anime or other. A brilliant blast of pink and gold light struck Robin in the chest, and not even his sword could deflect all of it. He was flung into a nearby wall, falling bonelessly to the ground.

"Robin!" Authoress shouted, unknowing falling back into the 'damsel in distress' stereotype.

Rita snorted. "4nd 543 54yz I'm p47437ic…" (Honestly, do I **need** to translate this?)

"I'm fine…I'm fine…" He reassured her, unsteadily rising to his feet and leaning heavily against his sword- before falling flat on his face.

"You can never defeat us!" All three 'Sues laughed evilly, which was kind of scary in its synchrony.

"Robin?"

The 'Stu looked up, surprised at the desperation in her tone. "What?"

"If we make it out alive…" She hesitated.

"Yes?" He prompted.

"If we make it out alive…I'll buy you new socks. I mean, seriously, what possessed you to wear one green and one pink sock?"

He blinked.

"How touching." Sarah mocked, "A love that breaks all boundaries- a hater of Original Characters, and her 'fictional' lover- to bad I have to kill you!"

Authoress's eyes widened, as Sarah headed straight towards her with her sword in perfect line with the teenage writer's heart. Apparently, she and Shhjfhsdhfiel swapped swords when we weren't looking…

Authoress tried to dodge, but the sword left a deep flesh wound on her right arm. Grasping it tightly to try and stop the bleeding, she moved as far away as possible from Sarah, her eyes wide with fear and her heart madly pounding.

"Oh no, Oh no, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I never thought getting into fanfiction could kill me!"

Whether it was nerves, or stupidly, or even bravery (nope, probably stupidity…), Authoress found herself talking.

"I don't hate Original Characters, I just hate Mary-Sues. Original Characters can be extremely cool, well-rounded characters, but Mary-Sues are the exact opposite- flat, insubstantial, perfect. I don't like Mary-Sues because they give Original Characters and bad name, and completely destroy any fanfiction community if they become the only type of story around. I don't really care what you think, because it's like talking to a brick wall when I try to explain this!"

"Why don't you try out that theory you self-righteous extremist!" Sarah snapped, shoving her into a nearby wall. Authoress screamed in pain, and Sarah pushed harder.

"That's enough!"

The 'Sue immediately stopped and stared in horror at Aslan. The lion, who had appeared only seconds before, gave her a stern look.

"Begone, 'Sue."

The ensuing fight was very violent (and messy), but the authoress would like to attest to the fact that it was fun to watch. But it was done with and over quicker then she could possibly describe, so let's just skip it.

"You okay?" Authoress asked, hovering over Robin. Though she didn't like to show it, she was actually quite worried about him.

"Sure, never been better." He grinned weakly, leaning heavily on the wall but managing to stand.

"Good, because I have something to tell you," She replied.

"What?"

"I'm not really the self-inserted authoress…" And then, in a manner reminiscent to old Looney Tune cartoons, she…well, pulled off her skin. Costume. Whatever.

"…I'm a girl named Paige Turner." She finished.

"Wait, how does that work?" He asked, completely confused. "Were you Paige the whole time, even during that chapter where you and Authoress met face to face?"

"No, that was really her. I've just been pretending to be her for the last few chapters. She thought the 'Sues would come and get her, so she tipped off Aslan and set up a trap." Paige smiled.

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

"Well…to put it bluntly, you weren't supposed to happen."

"Oh…"

"Yeah. Anyway, it sets up a possible pairing, which should spur the reader's interest."

"They care?"

"Well…some of them do. I think…"

---o+o---

"Majesty?"

"Yes?" Jadis sighed. Honestly, all day doing nothing but sitting on a stone-cold throne with glum wolves passing by every now and then. It was enough to make any fake Queen of Narnia bored.

"Majesty, we found something odd on one of those strangely attractive Daughters of Eve…she called it a 'calm-pew-ter', or a 'Lab Top'." Fabula continued nervously. He had only starting working for the White Witch last week, and was hoping to make a good impression. Of course, it didn't help that he seemed to stick out- having black fur and yellow eyes tended to do that to you.

"Calm Pewter?" She frowned. "What is this of which you speak?"

"This, Milady." He pushed it forward with his nose, backing away and lowering himself into a submissive posture.

Jadis surveyed the 'Calm Pewter' critically. It was a strange thing, comprised of two, almost completely sliver plastic squares, save for the black square things on the lower half and a glowing white…square on the higher one.

Curious, she picked it up. Her thumb accidentally touched the mouse pad, and she nearly dropped it when the arrow on the glowing screen moved. Cautiously, she moved the arrow towards the bottom of the screen, and clicked on the bar labeled : Th …'. Immediately, another white 'screen' flipped up, proudly displaying the words : The Wolven Princess' on the top.

She read some of the strange text, and then her eyes widened.

"Fabula, get me Maugrim…"

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**The End**

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'Hammerspace' is an anime in-joke. It basically involves this sort of tradition/trait of anime, in which a female character pulls a giant hammer out of nowhere to bash another male character for doing something stupid. Many people have speculated where the heck they get these from, and so came about hammerspace.

Yes, this one wasn't very good- sorry! The last bit was rushed, as if you didn't know. Yes, I know it probably sucks with grammar and spelling- blame it on the single proofread I put it through.


	8. Temporary Author’s Note

**Author's Note:** I know, I know, it's been ages since I've updated this story. I'm sorry! I lost inspiration and my password!

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: lickitysplit, for the utterly kick…err…cool review! And you have a point about the ranting and the restating of 'I love OCs, I hate Mary-Sues' part. I gotta work on that. Blame it on my social incompetence, and my utter lack of non-family-related people to talk to V.V (except the voice in my head…but he constantly says I should quit this story and get a job, so I'm guessing he's not conversationalist material).

_**This Lion's Had It!**_

**Temporary Author's Note**

So, I'm sure most of you are thinking 'What the heck?! Stormtracer _updated_?!'. Unfortunately, no, I haven't, just decided to let you guys know this story will go through a major revision sometime in the future and WILL continue until it actually finishes. Because I do have a finish

Problem? I need inspiration. The only way I'm going to get that is if there's more badfic to parody. Therefore, I'm waiting for the next movie (which is slated to come out June or July 2008). Sorry folks, I'm afraid right now (with school and other commitments) is just not a great time to be writing more than one fanfic at the most, especially since this one needs something more to keep it going.

I repeat, I am NOT abandoning this, and I have NOT fallen off the face of the earth.

And now, so this isn't just another author's note that'll get deleted, here's a clip from the upcoming chapter (which I haven't finished). It'll probably be re-written, but hey, it's better than nothing:

"Lucy, do not keep him waiting!"

Lucy sighed, her chin resting on her crossed arms. Ever since Peter's new 'advisor' had moved in, life had become more difficult for her. 'Aurin', who (coincidentally) happened to be her own age, seemed to take every opportunity he got to flirt with her. Worse still, her siblings actually encouraged him to do so, charmed by his unprecedented skill in battle, wit and handsome appearance. Oh, and he had a finely-breed black horse called 'Shadows of My Heart' or some other such nonsense.

Frankly, she was still stuck on the fact that a previously unheard of seventeen-year-old boy had fought through the Battle of Beruna without her seeing or even hearing about his so-called 'noble deeds'. Until, of course, he had appeared two weeks afterward.

"Lucy, Oh do hurry up!" Susan sounded exasperated, obviously annoyed by Lucy's reluctance to leave her room.

"Coming Susan!" The youngest Pevensie called, inwardly steeling herself for the horrors to come.

After a short while, Susan finally gave up on calling her sister down. But there came a time when she could no longer delay the inevitable.

"Lucy? It's Peter, Aurin's been- Oh my God!"

Lucy sighed, something she seemed to be doing a lot lately. "Peter, if this is another trick to try and get me into the closest down the hall with Aurin, I'm not going to be very happy.

"But Lucy, it's…it's…"

Despite her common sense telling her to ignore him and stay where she was, she just couldn't ignore the utterly surprised and slightly fearful tone of her brother's voice. Taking a deep breath, she made her way stiffly over to her bedroom door and opened it.

She blinked, then rubbed her eyes and squinted. Then rubbed her eyes again, unable to process what she was seeing before her.

"I…I think he's dead." Lucy said hoarsely.

ATTENTION. DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE, CHILDREN THIRTEEN-YEARS OR YOUNGER SHOULD SKIP AHEAD. OR YOU COULD JUST IGNORE THIS NOTE AND READ IT ANYWAY.

An obviously long-dead Aurin was pinned to the wall with a…red umbrella. A pink post-it note was stuck onto the handle, which read:

**Dear Lucy Pevensie,**

**From the powers invested in me, I have…uh…what was I writing here?**

_**An explanation, Paige; surely you could manage that, considering I was the one who killed the darn thing…**_

**Shut up. Anyway, to make a long story short, your wannabeboyfriend is now shish-kabobed to the wall-**

_**I'm sure she's noticed that.**_

**-and he shouldn't be causing you anymore trouble. Sorry for not coming sooner (and for ruining one of your umbrellas),**

**Paige**

_**How impressive. You could become the next bestselling writer.**_

**Stop stealing the note from me Robin! If you have something to say, say it to my face!**

"He could still be alive…" Peter answered hesitantly, not even believing his own words.

Still unable to fully grasp the sight before her, Lucy did the only thing she could do. Close the door.


End file.
